“What´s the point? Nothing is ever going to change for the better.” Something like that is usually the tone of my meltdowns. And today I had a massive one, after dragging myself to the first appointment at a specialist for autism. With hours on public transport and trains, surrounded by masses of unfriendly people, going to places I don´t know and extreme noise, I expected it to be tough. The day before I wrote into my planner: go home immediately after the appointment and take some time out for a nice cry. And that´s what i did. But the stressfull surroundings have been not the only aspect that caused me to break down. I planned the diagnosis process to take a few months. It turns out it is going to be worse. There is no chance I can get this done quickly and smoothly, and I have to calculate in years. This so frustrating. And it is causing cruel thought patterns like: “Why am I putting so much effort into this? Why am I still trying? It doesn´t make sense to reach out to people. No one is ever going to understand you. No one is ever going to like you. No one is ever going to love you, for what you are. Look at you: a monster, a freak, a worthless creature.”